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Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? Q. What's the biggest fish in the world? Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you? Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately
before sex? Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist? Q. Why does the bride always wear white? Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy? Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box? Q. Why is air a lot like sex? Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water? Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery? Q. What's the best thing about a blow job? Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker? Q. What's another name for pickled bread? Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common? Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass? Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Q. Why are women are like tires? Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? Q. Why do women wear black underwear? Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station? Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion? Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing? Q. What's the definition of eternity? Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss? Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair? Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?" Q. Why did God invent yeast infection? Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar? Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him? Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea? Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women? Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips? Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? Q. Why do women have arms? Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob? Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby? Q. How are men like noodles? Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex? Q. Why are hangovers better than women? Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video? Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he
finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he
finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender
says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before
you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time
to go home." A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells
her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want
anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns
and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!" A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here
- you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..." The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth.
He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished
when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and
says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick." There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I
bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the
bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing
the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough,
the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak
gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man
says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the
barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman." This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May
I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know
if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle
your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking
them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's
no toilet paper in the ladies restroom." A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts
jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think
you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now,
there goes my neighbor." A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR
THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down
the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's
drivin' me nuts!" Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across
this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish
I could do that!" There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for
it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy
replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink." Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend
it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I
was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with
just one hand" "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger
I'm gonna get!" One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick
out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can,
"This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!" One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving
under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done,
slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep
told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why
not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has
ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute
brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money. So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves. One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the
other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So,
he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The
second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned
says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first
man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon",
second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new
bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes
out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin'
there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe." The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing
$1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen,
etc.) but nobody could do it. A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is
feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the
little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!" A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what
a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches
the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes
and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"! This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great
shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes
"Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great
shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then
this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!" A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to
her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little
money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch." A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can
talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner
looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers
"ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll
ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer
of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?". There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for
another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in
the side door and asks the bartender for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before. The
man leaves. He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer. The bartender is annoyed, and
tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar. He leaves. He then comes in the BACK door, comes the
the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him. "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you
can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!" Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do
you work at?" A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up
except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says
"When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now." After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He
approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk
staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in
the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind
telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire." A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought
to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your
IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?" A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks
up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?" A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering
wheel in your pants?" The man replies " I don't know but its driving me nuts". A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar
tender says "What's up with the big pause?" The bear said "I've had them all my life" A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the
bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies,
"I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later,
the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up
drinking!" A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a
free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches
into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots. He knocks one back and tosses the second
into his vest pocket. This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, "Excuse me, but I'm curious as to why
you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket?" The man says, "That's none of your damn business." A mouse
pops out of the vest pocket and yells." And that goes for your damn cat too!" Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a
5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy
jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives
it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing. The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't
think he would jump again" There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the
customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that
they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it
plops his ass on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, "Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?"
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican? Q. How come Mike Tyson’s eye's water during sex? Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night? Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp? Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson? Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall? Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick? Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven? Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed? Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her? Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone? Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress? Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common? Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?" Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky? Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common? Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common? Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy? A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected
on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what
was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job." As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If
I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to
make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man
at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies
"OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion
to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've
got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come
true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins" The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where
she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude." How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have
a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly
man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man:
Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing.
Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen
cup. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and
demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and
drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink
that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says,
"See honey - its not that hard." There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say
"FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for
every penny you've got. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly
awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts
and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having
sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger
in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes
another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he
has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands
in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I
had a tight pussy!". A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master
makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of
cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until
you throw up!" A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the
man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the
past ten minutes!" A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the
husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married
three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it.
My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector
and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!" On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom
showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The
beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let
me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever". John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising
he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire
group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.
He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.
He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex
once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting
off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him
how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy
getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!" Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle
of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the
left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny,
I dreamed I was skiing!" One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office
and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said,
"Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the
blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do
it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without
touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try
this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress
and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary
turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what
kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!" Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the
ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth
in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is
your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!" One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings. She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?" The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want." So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts
I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one." Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and
shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while
longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just
see the both of them together." Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe
and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look. A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris
came over." Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely"
to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first
student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because
sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough
water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him
and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely
shit my pants." Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones
went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand
dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction." The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she
passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition
where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most
likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying
to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll
bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher
calls his name. "Yeah teach?" he replies. "If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks
the teacher. Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all
fly off." "No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking."
the teacher responds. "Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one
is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's
sucking on the ice cream." Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!" A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother
got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything. The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last
night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream." "That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full." A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've
got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care
of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,
and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and
hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate
love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?'
the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me
to Europe, and he's screwing me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.' A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused
by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture
of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a
picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father
and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine
to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!" The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good
girls and boys." A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having
sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then
they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making
a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making
a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!" This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't
we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love
the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment
tomorrow, do you?" Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin
on it!". "I've been circumcised.", the other replied. "What's that mean?" A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would
be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart
ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head
pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty
good, so I decided to give them a try.” The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit,
your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,"
she said. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you. Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF! Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news. Don't even think about trying it twice.
There is nothing better at 5pm on a Friday afternoon, than to call up the airport and have one of these
names paged... Aaron Thetires (Air in the Tires) Kareem O'Weet (Cream of Wheat) The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex... 50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo." 49. "That works better the other way around." 48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?" 47. "Damn, that's complicated" 46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow." 45. "All right, already. _I_ came!" 44. "You guys need a value pak." 43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!" 42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?" 41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth." 40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel." 39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they
don't change position. 38. "You know, they say that three's a charm." 37. Suggest your favorite position. 36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition." 35. "Bring in the Gimp!" 34. "Hold that pose!" 33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy. 32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." 31. Sing "Shake your bootie." 30. "A little to the left." 29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?" 28. "Is there room for two in there?" 27. "Two words: penis extension." 26. Invite others in as a cheering section. 25. Charge admission at the door. 24. Make and hold up score cards. 23. All of them should read 6.9. 22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes. 21. "Maybe it would help if you..." 20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard." 19. "That's what you call erect?" 18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!" 17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?" 16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing." 15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!" 14. "May I cut in?" 13. "That's illegal in Arkansas." 12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!" 11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare. 10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!" 9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment. 8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before
you pack her.' 7. "Let's make a sandwich!" 6. "Is that hard enough for you?" 5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?" 4. "I think you dropped something." 3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?" 2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?" 1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
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